My brain hates me, I am convinced. I look left and right down the halls, in public, in restaurants and I see everyone as these little skinny things. I know behind closed doors, everyone struggles with something that someone else may not even realize. I still can’t be confident in myself, yet I put all my confidence in other people because I want them to feel that comfort, happiness, and confidence that I can’t feel myself. Why will my brain not allow me to feel confident in myself and let me feel like my appearance is good enough no matter what anybody says? I know I’m taller than the average girl and a little bigger but am I really bigger? Maybe my head just gives me this fake image of myself, and I feel like I’ll never know how I truly look in other’s eyes. It is infuriating because all I ever do is eat healthily, eat small portions, go to the gym and it’s still impossible to look like all the other skinny girls. Some people ask why I want to look like other girls and not be myself; well sometimes it’s because myself does not feel good enough. The skinny girls always pull of the cutest outfits and are treated like they are the most perfect thing in the world. I would do anything to be skinny for a day to see what it is like. Every single girl is beyond beautiful in their own way, and I hope you ladies reading this never forget that. But why won’t my brain let me think that about myself as well? – Depression is why. Depression is manipulative and I wish it would just go away.
For the longest time, I thought none of the medications prescribed to me were working because maybe I didn’t actually have depression. That probably doesn’t make much sense, but what I mean is instead of actual depression, it may be some other disease or disorder that is giving off characteristics of depression.
Since my medications weren’t working, and because of other symptoms I was having; they tested me for Thyroid disorder. This disease gives off symptoms that can be perceived as depression. When you have this disorder, you have no motivation to do anything, you don’t want to get out of bed and you don’t want to do anything at all. This is a sign of depression and no medication will fix it if it’s prescribed for depression because it won’t target the specific hormones that need to be treated. This is because your thyroid is not making enough hormones and if you’re treated for chemicals in your brain because it is mistaken as depression, it won’t help at all. I was tested and the test was negative. I was really upset because I just wanted answers as to why I couldn’t just be happy and why none of my medicine was working. It was super frustrating.
Then a few months later, they tested me for diabetes because of my high blood pressure and because I had some weight gain. Normally when you have diabetes, you feel super sluggish, you feel awful and you get really down in the dumps because of your body not producing that insulin your body needs like it is supposed to. I was tested and it was negativity. So I did not have diabetes and again, I was frustrated because I just wanted answers, for some reason I didn’t want to admit that I was actually depressed.
To this day, after having “Situational Depression” for over 2 years now, I still wish it wasn’t that. I still wonder if I really have it, or if it’s some other disease that gives of symptoms of depression or can cause depression. I just want an explanation, but I just need to come to the realization that I have depression because of what all I’ve been through. It was all very frustrating for me because I felt hopeless with none of my medicine working. I have learned to be patient and just wait for the right medication for me because everybody’s systems react to certain medications differently than others.
Medication; antidepressants to be specific; help your brain produce the chemicals that it is lacking like Neuropenephrin and Serotonin. Since I lack both of those, I take Sertraline (Zoloft), along with a low dose of Aripiprazole (Abilify). There are so many different points of view when it comes to taking medication for depression.
The first one I always hear is people think that the medication will “heal” you, or “fix” you. I can tell you right now, that is won’t. No medication can do that for you, it isn’t magic like my mom says. I have been through five different medications for my depression, some of them even made my depression worse because I started to gain 20 pounds over time. I felt so hopeless after going through so many and none of them working. Now I am on a fantastic medication. Everyone’s bodies are different and react differently to certain medications. What works for me won’t necessarily work for you. What mine helps me with, is simply having that motivation to get up out of bed in the morning and go do something. Whether it is to go to school, go to the gym before school, ride my bike, paint, etc. It just gives you a little push to allow yourself to enjoy the things you love doing again. You’ll still get sad some days, but that won’t go away because it isn’t magic. But it really gives me a big boost.
The second one I also always hear is people think that they don’t NEED medication for their depression. I mainly hear this from my stubborn male friends that struggle but “don’t want to rely on medication to make them happy for the rest of their lives.” Even some females that think they can’t struggle in life. They think they have to be perfect and strong for their family and friends. in my opinion, I do think it is needed because for me at least, I don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for my medication and counseling to help me because I was just stuck in this deep, dark, black hole and that was scary. Nobody should ever have to get to that point or advance past that point in their lives. It is a real disease and it shouldn’t be embarrassing to get help for that. You need to know that you are loved and you need to be happy and enjoy life as much as you possibly can. You deserve that. ❤
I always wonder when my brain started becoming imbalanced. When you are diagnosed with depression, what causes it is a chemical imbalance, a lack of either Serotonin or Neuropenephrin in your brain, or even both. I myself lack both and I have what is called “Situational Depression.” What that means is, because of the life experiences that I have gone through, my brain has not adapted to them. It happened over time, but I was so in denial.
I always wonder, if the traumatic experiences I have been through didn’t happen to me, would I still have developed depression? Why did I even have to get depression? Why can I not just be like superwoman, be a warrior and just not worry so much about so many different things? Why did those events HAVE to happen to me? I know I am not the only one that goes through this, and I know those people dealing with Situational Depression ask the same things– so, why us? Even people with genetic depression or seasonal depression more than likely ask similar questions. No matter what type of depression we have, the mean question is; why do we have to be burdened with depression? Why us?
Depression makes my day-to-day life a constant battle. I am always anxious about something, or I am always crying about something. Although, I believe that if I didn’t have depression, and if all of those experiences never happened to me, then I would not be the person I am today. I know depression can make us “difficult” compared to others who make it out to be like they live the perfect lives. That is not always the case, everybody has some sort of struggle, no matter what they say. Maybe some people aren’t diagnosed with depression, but we are never alone. We are who we are and I believe that we are made how we are and our whole life is planned out before we are even born. I believe what we go through is inevitable, so make the most of it. We are all unique in our own ways and there is always going to be someone out there that sees your worth. You just need to see your own worth as well. (:
I have always felt like a giant, and have been bigger than all the other females in my life. I look left and right and see size two’s or size four’s. My brain makes me feel like some freakish monster.
It is hard not to listen to what your brain tells you, but if you’re reading this and understand how I feel, just know that the girls in the magazines are not ideal. A comforting fact: The size of the average American woman is 170 pounds, and a size 14. Ignore what society gives examples of, skinny is not necessarily healthy, and more fat on your body, does not make you unhealthy.
It is also based on genetics and how your families are built. I know my post won’t change how you feel, so if you want to lose weight to make yourself happy, then do it. If you want to gain weight to make yourself happy, then do it. Focus on your mental and emotional health and do what makes you happy.
To all women reading: you are beautiful and good enough, do not let someone make you feel any different.
To all men reading: you are handsome and good enough, do not let someone make you feel any different.
Thank you for joining! I created this site to help those who have the same struggles as I do. It is to show that nobody is alone if you feel that you are. Depression does not define us; it feels like it does, but we won’t let it.